Caged Lark- Chapter 3


It took weeks to wake up again.

Even as I stared into the standing mirror, though, I was not complete. Not awake. I touched the satin ribbon around my neck which held the locket I wore. The locket was a simple shape with the family name upon its bronze surface.

Early morning light streamed in through the window, highlighting golden streaks through my brown hair, tied up in a design so exquisite I never would have thought it was possible. The curtains which hung sadly in front of the window swayed in the soft breeze. In the corner of the room, in front of another large window, a wire birdcage stood on top of an old table carved from wood. A white bird roosted, its head under its wing in a peaceful sleep. I could hear the people chattering below in the courtyard, happily talking amongst themselves. They were in a mood as pleasant as the weather. The cold winter sun did nothing to help my mood, even though it was bright and cheery. The scent of lilacs and roses rose with the wind and were carried into my room. The scent should have lifted me up, but it did not. I felt as empty as ever as I stared at my reflection without seeing.

A large white veil hung down from my hair. I would eventually place it over my eyes to guard myself from what I did not want to face head-on. I wore half of Seretei’s makeup on my eyes alone. The other half was painted across the rest of my face. A too-poofed up frilly dress hung from my body, flaring out mid-thigh in flowers, ribbons, and lace. My elbow-length gloves were pure lace, made from the finest lace anywhere in Soul Society.

None of that mattered though. Just standing here felt like an effort that should be rewarded. At any time I felt as if I would drop to my knees and sob. Even then it would not be enough to rid my chest of the aching hole which filled the space where my heart should be. I knew this wouldn’t help anything because I had already tried. Several times. The only thing that would do would be to ruin my makeup and create dark rivers of mascara down my cheeks.

I looked into unseeing eyes, a silvery-blue color, seeing the future that awaited me. I had tried not to look into them, fearing a break-down would occur. The hole in my chest where my heart had disappeared pained me as if I just received a sledge-hammer swung full force there. The pain had not dulled at all even after these last three weeks.

A loud knock at my door did not surprise me. I did not even remove my eyes from the reflected image. Without waiting for an answer, the doors opened wide and Rangiku burst through, not bothering to shut them behind her.

“Everyone’s waiting for you, Karin-chan!” she sang. Her normally eccentric personality was worse today than most days. She had been somewhat like this since I asked her to be my bridesmaid, but today was much, much worse. I winced. “Isn’t it a beautiful day?” she exclaimed with a sigh. “Perfect weather! And I thought for sure that it would be snowing, too.” She skipped to the window and placed her hands against the sill, leaning out the window and into the breeze. “Didn’t you think that?” She turned to face me, her bright eyes sparkling and shining. Her disposition was like the sun: nothing could put it out.

I didn’t hear the question, but I did look away from the mirror to meet her eyes. I needed to put my mask of indifference back on before anybody noticed.

“Sure,” I replied, my voice sounding fragile and soft.

Rangiku frowned and I recognized my mistake. My voice never sounded like that. I knew immediately that I didn’t convince her in the slightest. “It’s a new day, you’re getting married to a great guy, and you’re pouting about someone you can’t have?”

That hit me hard. I could feel the tears welling up behind the mascara and liner. “It’s not like that.” My voice broke to nearly a whisper as I shook my head. My eyes dropped to the ground. The ground was a safe place to look. It didn’t look back at me with a disapproving face or judgemental eyes. Nothing there reminded me of him or the wedding.

I heard Rangiku sigh as she crossed the room to my side. Next thing I knew, a tissue was being dabbed at my eyes to capture the tears before they could escape.

“Look, okay?” She said softly. “I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that you should be happy for what you have.” She tried to comfort me. She handed me the tissue so that I could continue myself. “Plus, I’ve heard that if you stop thinking about him, it’ll get easier for you.” She looked down at me soothingly. “Time heals everything.”

I didn’t answer. My fists were balled up tightly, the tissue clenched inside. Could I do that? Not think about him? Was it even possible? I didn’t know, but I had to try. I had to keep living. Rangiku was right. Time was moving on, and I would have to keep up to get anywhere in life. I had to keep moving forward.

I knew the pain would be excrutiating at first, but maybe it would get easier with time. I both hoped it would and wouldn't. I still wanted him, but like she said…I couldn’t have him.

I sighed, not looking into her eyes. “You’re right,” I said softly as I crossed the room to the birdcage. As I opened the door to the cage, the movement and sound awakened the bird and he looked at me with its beady black eyes. Slowly, as to not startle it, I let my hand move into the cage and let it pause before the bird. It looked at my extended hand for a moment, cocking its head to the side in curiosity before extending a leg to clasp onto my finger. I pulled the bird out, shutting the cage behind me. I stroked him gently. Rangiku even walked over to me and let one of her fingers run down its back.

“Karin…?” She asked slowly obviously worried for my mental state of mind. I didn’t blame her.

I had always felt sorry for the poor bird. It was locked up in a gloomy cage all the time in the same room. It never left the cage except on special occasions. I couldn’t stay here. I couldn’t be with Gin, I couldn’t be free, but maybe the bird could. Maybe I could give it its freedom. It could stretch its wings and fly away from the cage that had held it captive for so long.

“Are you okay?” Rangiku asked in a slow voice, careful not to disturb this new peaceful state-of-mind I had found with the bird.

I turned away from her and pulled the drapes away from the window. I leaned my body over the sill like Rangiku had done earlier and stretched my hand out of the open window. The bird hesitated, unsure whether to go or stay. As gently as I could I tossed him into the air. Instinctively his wings opened and he took flight. I watched him fly away from me.

“I’m fine,” I smiled back at her politely, hoping it looked real. I knew it didn’t touch my eyes. “Or I will be at least. Let’s go.”


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The wedding march reached my ears as my heart hammered in my chest. Rangiku, who stood in front of me, turned around with a wide grin on her face. “Nervous?” She asked.

“I-I’m not sure…” I replied, watching as the doors opned to us. “I’ve thrown up a couple of times. Does that count?”

She smiled. “Sure.” She said before she began the short walk down the aisle.

I followed a few beats later. All eyes were on me. Even his- the man waiting for me at the alter, Natsu Matsuoka. We had only met once before, but I knew he was a nice man, and one who had military status: he was the lieutenant of sixth squad.

The way he looked at me was odd; I had never been looked at that way before. His smile showed terrific exuberance, like he was the luckiest man in the world. He was beaming. His eyes, however held something else…hope maybe?

His dark hair was slicked back, his face crinkling with his smile. He wore nice clothing as well, but my dress was more exquisite. I knew he came from a nice well-to-do family. He wasn’t part of the four royal houses, but he was born and raised in Seretei. My inheritance would likely support us, however. Just because his family was nice and he had a higher-ranking job did not mean he had good money that came with it.

I reached him and he took my hand. His coarse palms were warm. We turned to face the official. My expression was a kind of masked horror. His was wonderful joy. I didn’t want to bring his mood down with me- he seemed too kind of a person- so I tried to distract my mind from the pain.

Our lines reached our ears, bringing me back to the present. Right as I was about to speak, Gin’s face entered my mind. A coal-hot arrow pierced through my heart and I was barely able to say, “I do.” It came out a whisper. My soft, broken voice didn’t even compare to Natsu’s whose was strong and confident. His deep voice shook the room and reverberated in the ears of all who heard him. His voice could never be forgotten; it demanded attention. Until the day I died I knew I would never forget his voice.

As he leaned down to kiss me, I braced myself, but stood on my tip-toes to reach him- to meet him halfway. As soon as this was done, I would be wed and I would not be able to even think of Gin anymore. I would be confined in my thoughts, but if I didn’t think of him at all, it would be for the best.

Natsu’s lips were gentle, soft, careful. It seemed almost as if he was afraid to kiss me or didn’t want to kiss me.

We pulled away slowly to face our friends and family and walk back down the aisle together. Natsu and I: together. Not Gin and I- no! No more thoughts of him. I couldn’t do that any more.

I spotted my mother in the first row of people, my elder sister next to her. Mother had stood and began clapping, a wide smile on her relatively-young face. Sakura’s face, however, was puckered slightly as if she was worried about something, but I didn’t pay attention to her.

Natsu led me down the aisle and outside. I was in a dream-like state of mind. Children threw grains of rice at us and our audience followed us outdoors, still clapping and cheering behind us. It was a special event for someone of shinigami status to be married at all. Much less to be married to someone parallel to noble rank. My family was not one of the four royal houses, but two steps below.

My new husband surprised me when he whisked me into his arms. He carried me into the courtyard for the reception, walking away from the house. Walking away from what used to be.